I am Drinking the Stars!
by Gigai-Gurl
Summary: When Otae had one too many Dom Peri, Gintoki was called in to do just another odd job. It turned out, it's going to be one troublesome work. Gintoki x Otae pairing.UPDATED Chapter 5!
1. For when the wine is in, the wit is out

**Author's Note:** Alright. I've got another Gintoki x Otae fanfic. Anyone out there writing some more? Come on people, show this pairing some more love. Onegai! ;) Anyway, I wrote this using the prompt, Drinking Game. I've made a list of prompts that I'm going to use to write short GinxOtae drabbles but as you can see I tend to write long fanfics. *hangs head in shame* I know I just got to have a little discipline and keep an eye on the word count. *sigh* But you know, once the writing bug is let loose, it just goes out there on its own and do it's thing. I can't really hold it back. Like what I'm doing now. LOL. By the way, the overall title of the fanfic, "I am Drinking the Stars!" came from a quote that Dom Perignon (a Benedictine monk from the 16th century who contributed a lot in the development of the wine industry) reportedly said the first time he sipped a bubbly champagne.

Gintama is copyrighted by Hideaki Sorachi. I make no claims of owning it.

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**For when the wine is in, the wit is out**

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Gintoki didn't know how he had gotten into this situation. Quite frankly, he was supposed to be doing an odd job somewhere with Shinpachi and Kagura. But here he was in front of Snack _Sumairu_.

"Ah Sakata-san, you're here," said Kikuya, Smile's owner, when he saw Gintoki hanging out by the entrance. "Come in, come in."

"Yo, _tenchou_. I didn't come here as a customer though," replied Gintoki hesitantly. If he got cajoled into coming in, his wallet might regret it later. Although, his wallet surely had nothing to complain about especially if it was empty to begin with.

"That's alright. I was the one who called you here in the first place," Kikuya reassured him. "Besides, you're here to do a job, am I right?"

"_Hai_," Gintoki said. "About that odd job...what do you what me to do exactly?"

"That's why I'm asking you to come in. I'll tell you about it in my office," said Kikuya as he nudged Gintoki in the threshold. "Besides, I don't want you to be hanging out here, customers might get the wrong idea that our establishment is an immoral place, you know."

"What the hell do you mean by that, _jiji_. Do I look like a male hooker to you?" shouted Gintoki.

"No, no...that's not what I meant. People might think you're our customer and you're waiting for one of our girls to go with you to have a different kind of fun, you know. So that's bad for our image," Kikuya quickly explained to appease the white-haired samurai. "We are in the business of giving clean, fun and enjoyable companionship and entertainment."

"Don't you mean cleaning hapless customers out of their hard-earned money for a couple of drinks of Dom Peri," said Gintoki nonchalantly, but Kikuya was already out of earshot.

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Inside the manager's office, Kikuya gave Gintoki the initial intro of the situation.

"It's about Otae-san," he started gravely.

"What?! What happened to Otae-san?" said Gintoki, quickly agitated. "Did anything happen to her? Did that gorilla stalker finally made his move and plucked the innocent but deadly flower out of the forbidden garden? That bastard! Wait until I tell this to Shinpachi. The poor kid forcibly robbed of his oneechan at such a young age. Unforgivable! That gorilla is unforgivable!"

"_Ochitsuite_, Sakata-san, _ochitsuite_," Kikuya said frantically. "There are customers outside. I don't want them to get alarmed, for god's sake. You're going to ruin my business if you don't calm down. It's nothing like that. Otae-san is fine!"

"Fine?" blinked Gintoki for a moment. "Heh...sorry, _tenchou_, I didn't mean to overreact. You know, Otae-san is one of my employees' precious _oneechan_ and...um....you know...how it is...their family is practically my family and I tend to get overprotective about them. It's that connection that you can't really ignore."

Kikuya looked at him with an eyebrow raised. "Right, that connection eh?"

He smiled sheepishly, feeling majorly embarrassed. "So...what was the odd job again?" he asked in a small voice.

"No use telling you, so I would just have to show you," said Kikuya, heaving a very deep sigh. He led Gintoki to a big couch where Otae was happily sleeping.

"You see, she had a filthy rich customer earlier who ordered tons of Dom Perignon. The fellow is a pretty big spender. He kept ordering Dom Perignon, which, of course, brought in good business for the club, but the downside was he persuaded Otae-san into a drinking game," narrated Kikuya.

Gintoki looked at the almost beatific face of the young woman and thought, 'She's not happily sleeping. She's happily wasted.'

"Otae-san, being the professional that she is, obliged wholeheartedly. But it turned out the customer can hold his drink really good. And I guess, Otae-san felt her pride being challenged so she went head-to-head with him. So the drinking game became a drinking match and a battle of wills. Neither one of them didn't want to back down. I tried to intervene to save Otae-san but she stopped me and said that the pride of Smile was at stake. The truth is, I was so moved by her courage that it reminded me of my younger self," Kikuya said with eyes welling with tears.

At this point, Gintoki was resisting the urge to go ballistic. He clenched his fists and willed himself to count to 10 backwards. "And then what happened?" he asked between gritted teeth.

"So..um..we kinda cheered her on a little bit. The other girls brought out pom poms and formed a cheering squad right there and then. We even put up an impromptu banner that said, _"Otae-san, ganbatte!"_ and I gave out pins that said "Otae-san is the best!". We also did that for the rich customer, of course, but our loyalty remained with Otae-san. Tonight she became our guiding star...the Smile in _Snack Sumairu_..." Kikuya proclaimed with eyes shining brightly.

WHACK! and Kikuya hit the floor face first. "_Teme_! Why the hell did you cheer her on??? Who in their right mind would encourage a young woman get plastered with alcohol using pom poms, cheerleaders, banners and pins?? What's that? A sporting event? A fraternity-sorority party??? You might as well force Dom Peri down her throat using a a funnel and rubber tube! _Bakero_!!!"

"_Gomenasai_, Sakata-san," repented Kikuya and kneeled in front of Gintoki. "We got so caught up with the whole spirit of things and the competitive atmosphere that we forgot that our representative was a delicate young woman like Otae-san. Please forgive me."

This time, it's Gintoki's turn to heave a very deep sigh. "So how many did she drink?"

Kikuya still in a prostrate position, hesitated for a minute, weighing his answer carefully lest he receives another smack from the naturally permed samurai. "Er...we lost count after the 20 bottles. _Moshiwake gozaimasen_!!!"

Gintoki rubbed his forehead vigorously. This situation was beginning to give him a serious headache. He felt like butting Kikuya's head just to make it go away. But he had to see this through. "So what happened in the end?"

"In the end, the rich customer went unconscious first, then Otae-san followed a few seconds later. So technically, our Otae-san won the match. It was a close but perfect win even if it was only a few seconds lead. You should have seen her, she was magnificent," Kikuya said with eyes shining brightly, forgetting himself in his euphoria.

WHACK! and he was back in a prostrate position. "_Teme_! Stop turning the whole event into an Olympic triumph! You shouldn't have encouraged her to do it. What if she turned into an alcoholic? It's bad enough that she can be a merciless woman in her normal and sober state. But fueled with alcohol, she may turn into a Godzilla leveling everything in her path!" screamed Gintoki.

He heard Otae stirred on the couch and for a quick second, he realized he said something that would have illicited a violent retaliation from her. He turned around to see if an attack was imminent, but the young woman remained sleeping contentedly. He pulled Kikuya by the collar and brought him close to his face.

"You do know what I mean, right," he whispered earnestly. "If that happens, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, would be leveled to the ground and where would that leave us? Do you understand what I'm getting at, _tenchou_?"

Kikuya nodded profusely. "Yes I do. _Honto ni gomenasai,_ Sakata-san."

Gintoki ran his fingers through his hair, this situation had become troublesome indeed. 'Tch..._mendokuse_.' But there was nothing he could do but accept the situation at hand and move on. "So what now?"

Kikuya quickly stood up and said rather formally, "Ah yes, that's where the odd job comes in, Sakata-san. As you can see, Otae-san has been out for a few hours now and is unable to continue working. So I'm giving her a day-off and sending her home. But in this state, she's not fit to go home by herself. That's why I called you here, Sakata-san. Would you kindly see to it that Otae-san gets home safe?"

Gintoki looked at the young woman and agreed that she was in no state to be walking in Kabukicho on her own. Some unsavory characters might take advantage of her and have their way with her. Like that gorilla stalker.

'That guy would probably see this as an opportunity to propose to her again and in her drunkenness, Otae-san would freely say 'yes' without her knowing about it. Or worse, she might wake up with him in bed the next morning...Unforgivable!...Huh? Wha...What the hell am I thinking all of a sudden...Keep your cool, Gintoki," he mentally slapped himself.

He went towards the couch and gently nudged Tae. "Otae-san, it's Gin. _Hora_, wake up and let's get you home."

Otae made an annoyed whimper and let loose her fist. "Go away, gorilla!" she shouted. Gintoki dodged the blow just in time, thanking his quick reflexes. "Hey that's dangerous! Gorilla _ja nai_. Gin _da_! Come on, Otae-san. I just want you to sit up. Can you do that?"

"Gin-san _teba_," murmured Tae in irritation. 'She sounded like a child refusing to wake up early on a school day,' he thought as he pulled her up gently into a sitting position. He then turned his back to her and squatted while he pulled both her arms up. He draped them over his shoulders and in one big heave, he was able to carry her on his back. "Yosh, now we're ready to go home."

Kikuya opened the office door for them. "Thank you, Sakata-san for helping out. Please take good care of our golden star alright."

Gintoki walked towards the door but before he went out, he turned to Kikuya and said with a very serious face, yes the face that sent Amantos scurrying for their lives during the war, "_Tenchou_, I'd like you to promise me that this won't happen again."

"_Ha..hai_," said Kikuya rather shamefully and in fear. He knew he should have been more responsible and not let the young woman do that match despite her insistence. Moreover, one look at the serious face of the odd-jobs samurai had sent shivers down his spine. Yes, definitely there won't be a next time and he'll make sure of it.

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The early evening air was cold. But surprisingly, Gintoki didn't feel it. He actually felt warm all over. Otae was sprawled on his back, her body pressed comfortably to his. She had one arm loosely around his neck, and her head laid on one of his shoulders.

Suddenly, he realized this was the first time he had been this close to her. It was like his body was in a heightened state of awareness. Every nerve endings on his skin felt warm - no, not warm - hot like when one slowly submerged into a smoking hot spring. The sensation was instantly painful yet gratifyingly pleasurable after.

'_Ochitsuite_, Gintoki. There's nothing to be excited about. It's just Otae-san...Huh? Who said I was excited...I'm not getting excited..._zenzen_,' he thought, mentally slapping himself for the second time.

Otae shifted a little and he shifted with her on reflex to keep her from falling off. He steadied his hands under her legs.

"Gin-san...where...are we going?" she asked in a sleepy, thick voice that caught him off guard.

"I'm taking you home," he said, thinking that she was probably sobering up from her drunken state. After a few long minutes, Otae whispered, her lips almost touching his ear, "Sorry to bother you."

"Nothing to it," Gintoki whispered back, while feeling a dual wave of hot and cold down his spine. He waited for the next reply but was met only with silence. Tae had gone back to sleep and it looked as if she won't be waking up anytime soon.

But that meant, he was left with himself and his body's heightened awareness. And that gave him a feeling of both unbridled excitement and unease. "_Yabe_! This is not good," he said to himself. "I must think logically."

It was too late, though. When he felt her soft, warm breath so close it slightly tickled his neck, he tried not to gulp audibly.

'Shit! I need a cold shower really bad,' he mused almost desperately.

* * *

**Omake Omake Wannabe**

Oshiite Tinpachi-sensei

Tinpachi-sensei: "Yo, today's lesson will be the fanfic author's glossary of Japanese words in the story. *Kagura-san raises her hand* "Yes, Kagura-chan."

Kagura-san: "Why does she have to do that sensei when the people who read anime/manga fanfics are already well-versed in some of these words. It's not like she used difficult words ne, Gigai-gurl-san?"

Gigai-gurl: "So desu yo ne, Kagura-chan. It's not like our readers are not already familiar with the words I used. In fact, those words are the most popular ones and you can find them in every anime or manga out there ne. Tinpachi-sensei is just being urusai and mendokuse. --(_notice the wrong usage of mendokuse here_)"

Tinpachi-sensei: "Oi, may I remind you that we are also here to educate other fanfic readers who may happen to like Gintama and are reading English translations of the manga or watching the English dub *everyone's gasp of surprise and horror in the background* of the anime. So not everyone who may have found your fanfic here can appreciate the Japanese language that way."

Katsura-san: "That's why I disapprove of mingling Japanese words with a foreign language. It's just unnatural. It's like putting multicolored sprinkles on a chocolate muffin while the actual, unadulterated choco muffin is enough. You should have written this fanfic in either all Japanese language or in all English language."

Gigai-gurl: Zura-jiji why are you here??? I didn't plan on including you in this omake!!!"

Katsura-san: "Wahaha!!! That's the power of a Joi leader. He can appear anywhere he wishes and impose his will on any fanfiction. Wahahaha!!! By the way, Zura-jiji janai. Katsura-jiji da. Ugh! *receives a flying eraser on his face"

Tinpachi-sensei: "Teme! Why do you have to interrupt an important discussion here. And Zura-jiji is a good name for you just like an elephant."

Shinpachi: "Sensei, that's Zojirushi, you know, the rice cooker."

Tinpachi-sensei: "Shut up, Shinpachi. You only get to say one line in this omake so don't utter another word. So, GG-san are you listening?"

Gigai-gurl: "Urusai, baba-jiji. And why are you abbreviating my name to GG?!?"

Tinpachi-sensei: "Baba-jiji? There's no such word in the Japanese language, aho. I can't be an old woman and an old man at the same time! And what's this? You keep typing my name as Tinpachi-sensei??? What's up with that? Are you trying to be original using other people's already established characters huh? Oh I know, you can't write the kanji for Gin or even Kin for that matter and so you made it Tin so it would be easy for you to write it in kana eh." *receives a flying eraser on his face* ACK!

Gigai-gurl: "Don't push your luck, sensei. I'm still the author of this fanfiction. You should be grateful I'm not writing about a crack yaoi pairing fanfic about you. How would you like to be in an S&M fic with gorilla-san? *evil grin* Oh how about a boy-on-boy action with Ue-sama."*more evil grin*

Tinpachi-sensei: "Eh??!!! Not with gorilla-san, give me a break! Now Ue-sama...the great shogun huh...hmm...I guess I could accept that...I've seen his *beep* *beep* after all...ARGH!" *receives an 80s trapper keeper on his face*

Gigai-gurl: "Don't go on saying perverted stuffs on this omake, bakero! You have no respect for the rating system of this website. They can suspend my account you know!"

Tinpachi-sensei: *trying to get up* "Sumimasen. But please try to include a glossary of the Japanese words that you used in the fanfiction. It's better safe than sorry, right."

Gigai-gurl: *sigh* "I guess I should. But that means I have to go through my whole fanfic to list down every Japanese words. Well it's not going to be comprehensive but I'll try to share what I know in the hope that it would be of some help to our readers. Alright, here goes..." *writes on the blackboard*

**GLOSSARY**

**sumairu** - smile, usually words of foreign origin are written in katakana and are based on the pronunciation.

**tenchou** - manager, like what Tessai calls Urahara-san ne. Don't tell me you forgot about Bleach. XD

**jiji** - old man or short for the word "oyaji" (dad) which is often also used in Japan to refer to middle-aged men who are not relatives, usually in an unflattering way. Did you here that? Zura-jiji!!! Ahem, Jiji is also an ethnic and linguistic group in Tanzania. Useless trivia, I know.

**ochitsuite** - a verb and Te form of ochitsukimasu - to become calm. The use of Te form can be a command or a request (-te with kudasai)

**oneechan** - older sister the same with Shinpachi's aneue. *Shinpachi strikes a pose at the mention of his name*

**ganbatte** - a verb and Te form of ganbarimasu - to do one's best. "Otae-san, do your best!"

**hai** - yes. **iie** - no.

(Shinpachi: "Isn't that so common now?" Tinpachi-sensei: "Oi, Shinpachi, don't say another word. You'll destroy GG-san's train of thought." Gigai-gurl: "GG janai. Gigai-gurl da!" Tinpachi-sensei: "Hai, hai. I wonder when we'll get rid of that line. It's getting really old." TWAP! *receives a tattered Jump comic on his face.)

**teme** - Japanese slang for You...er, "You Bastard!" I mean. XD In Corsican and Romanian, it means fear. In Italian and Spanish, its means third person singular. Hey more useless trivia never hurt anybody.

**bakero, baka, aho** - mean stupid, dumbass, idiot. Do I really need to include these? I mean, y'all know what these words mean, right? Hmm...well in the Philippine language 'baka' means cow. So calling someone a stupid cow is just being redundant? Hmm...ponder on this. I must.

**gomenasai** - a formal way of saying, "I'm sorry."

**Moshiwake gozaimasen.** - Japanese expression of apology meaning, "I am very sorry." If you feel you've really caused an inconvenience to the other person, you could say, "Gomeiwaku o okakeshite, moshiwake gozaimasen or "I am very sorry for your trouble."

**Honto ni gomenasai.** - another Japanese expression of apology meaning, "I am really sorry."

**mendokuse** - from mendokusai - "troublesome or bothersome" Remember Shikamura from Naruto? Yeah that guy who always say it every chance he gets.

(Tinpachi-sensei: "Oi, this is a GINTAMA fanfic. If you keep mentioning other series you might as well head on over to that community. Geesh." Gigai-gurl: "Urusai baba-jiji! I'm trying to explain things here ok!")

Mendou describes many things you dont want to do. Kusai means stinky. So adding kusai just makes it worse. It applies to things to be done and not to people. Or you could just go by, "Pain in the ass!"

**hora** - means "look!" or "there!"

(Katsura-san: "That's too short a definition! Why are you being stingy with your words huh?" Gigai-gurl: "That's what I've read in my pink dictionary. But me, stingy with words??? WTH are you talking about? Can't you see this omake is getting longer because of this whole glossary thing! For god's sake, it's enough for a new chapter!!!)

**ja nai** - negative of desu, meaning "not." Nai is the equivalent of arimasen - "there is not."

**da** - meaning "is" or "be" and its polite form is desu. *Katsura-san opens his mouth. Gigai-gurl shoots him a murderous glance. Katsura-san leaves quietly. And never comes back.*

**teba** - this one is tricky. I haven't encountered this one in Japanese formal speech so I haven't heard any explanation of it other than it being used as an anime expression. It is a suffix like a "hey!" to get the listener's attention. Sorry but I'm not too sure of the meaning really.

**zenzen** - adjective that means entirely. It should be used with a negative verb to mean "never" or "not at all" like Zenzen wakarimasen or "I don't understand it at all." So I should have written - "zenzen I'm not getting excited." But anyway, you get the picture. XD

**yabe** - is a kind of a derivative of Yabai, its original meaning is "inconvenient" and "dangerous". But young people also say yabai when they are impressed and surprised at something. Isn't it better to use "sugoi" or "kakkoi"? I'm not including these words in the glossary alright. Their meanings are easy to find. ;)

**oshiite** - verb means "show me" It's the TE form of oshiemasu meaning "teach; instruct; tell; show."

**sensei** - teacher

**ne** - means "isn't it?" "aren't you?" "don't you think?" Said with a rising intonation, it means you are expecting the hearer to agree with what you just said. Said lightly, it adds to the friendliness of one's speech. It's a common practice in informal speech, particularly of women.

**urusai** - is an adjective meaning "is noisy" or "is annoying". Although, some fansubbers translate it as "Shut up!"

**baba** - short for "obaasan" which means elderly woman or grandmother

**omake** - means _extra_ or _bonus. According to wikipedia,_ for the past 50 years omake of small character figurines and toys have been giveaways that come with softdrinks and candy and often the _omake_ is more desired than the product being sold.

**zojirushi** - means "elephant" and it's also a brand name for rice cookers. My family uses one of these at home and it cooks fluffy rice perfectly. Yum!

**-sama** - polite equivalent of the honorific -san

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Gigai-gurl: "WOOHOO!!! I'm done! *throws the chalk on the ground triumphantly* I think I'm not going to include any more Japanese words in my fanfic especially if Tinpachi-babajiji would make me include a glossary every single time.

Tinpachi-sensei: I said I can't be a babajiji! Are you listening? Anyway, thank you for providing such a detailed list. I'm sure people would be thankful for your hard work. If any of the readers out there knows more or finds out that any word was defined incorrectly, please CRITICIZE and RIDICULE the fanfic author openly in the review section. You could even send her a flame letter, saying how inadequate and a complete failure she is...ARGH! *receives a double helicopter kick on his face*

Gigai-gurl: "Don't go encouraging people to send me bad reviews, teme! You were supposed to be teaching these things and not make me take your place. Anyway, this is the end of the omake. You can now go on your way. *Otae-san approaches and whispers something* I can't mention that yet *Gigai-gurl whispers back* what if I end up not writing it?" *Otae-san nods in understanding* "Yosh, mina! Ja ne. Bye-bye." (^_~)


	2. My only regret in life is that I am NOT

**Author's Note:** Woohoo! Another chapter done. I'm on a roll with this Gintama fanfic eh. XD Well, I'm striking while the iron is still hot. Once it cools, I'll lose all motivation to continue and then I'll leave it hanging. (T_T) That's not good, right? So yeah, Gigai-gurl will keep working on the follow-up chapters of this fic until it reaches its conclusion. Thank you for reading. A special mention goes to Midori-chan1000 ne. She's been nice enough to leave a review for my Gintama fanfics. Hey, even if it's just one person, a wannabe-writer like me is really appreciative of it. (^_^) I hope you enjoy the new chapter.

Gintama is copyrighted by Hideaki Sorachi. I make no claims of owning it.  
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**My only regret in life is that I am NOT the one who drank all the Champagne**

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Gintoki willed himself to think of other things. When a situation became too dire, when all hope seemed lost, when all manner of life hung on the balance, he always prided himself of being able to think of something, to see an opening, to hold on to that thin line of hope. But right now, all he could see and think about was the young woman he was carrying on his back. And the burning, deep-seated feeling that left him uncomfortable and giddy at the same time.

Her breath tickled him again and he almost tripped. "_Yabe_. If this continues, I won't be able to take her home," he thought desperately. "_Ochitsuite_ Gintoki, you're a samurai. You live by your own code of honor. That's right. You won't be easily caught in the web of this young woman..." Otae let out a contented sigh and he felt his cheeks grew warm and his knees give in a little, "Otae-san, don't do that please...it feels kinda good, you know...I sorta like it..." He shook his head violently. He didn't just say that he liked it. The white-haired samurai hung his head in resignation. "_Kami-sama_, why are you punishing me this way?"

"_Matte, matte_!" someone shouted. Gintoki paused from his walk to look behind him. He saw someone running at top speed. As the person came into view, he recognized who it was. "Kondo-san!" He broke into a run. "Oi. Where are you going with my Otae-san?!!!" asked Kondo, intent at catching up with Gintoki.

"YOUR Otae-san? Since when did she become yours, gorilla-stalker?" he balked while trying to put distance between him and Kondo. "It's a good thing she's too drunk to hear what you said or you'll get smacked again."

"_Teme_! That's why when I got to Snack _Sumairu_ tonight, Otae-san wasn't there. The_ tenchou_ said you picked her up. I can't believe it! So I went to look for her and what did I see - you carrying my Otae-san in that romantic manner. Get your lecherous hands off her _kisama_!!!" Kondo screamed, trying to snatch Tae off Gintoki's back.

"_Boke_, I'm just doing my job!" shouted Gintoki, dodging Kondo. "And there's nothing romantic about a piggy back ride! It's just a juvenile way of transporting people. Mother and child do it. Father and son do it. Best friends do it. Do you see any lovers doing this? Even the stories in Jump comics don't have lovers giving each other piggy back rides!"

"There is! Ichigo and Rukia!" Kondo said triumphantly. "Ichigo is always giving Rukia a piggy back ride. And that happened in several chapters. So it's not a fluke."

"Huh? It's true that Ichigo and Rukia did the piggy back thing. But didn't Rukia said they're just..._nakama_," Gintoki said, getting a bit breathless from running but showed no sign of slowing down.

"True. But Ichigo, himself, admitted that she's his precious _nakama_ - the one who changed his world. Isn't that a hint that they're more than _nakama_," Kondo pointed out as he laid a hand on Gintoki's shoulder. But Gintoki quickly shrugged his hand away before he could grab him. The move sent Gintoki sliding away, his upper body tilted forward. He almost lost his balance but was quick enough to hold out one hand on the ground in front of him to stop himself. His other hand firmly held on to Otae. He stood up and found himself a few paces away from Kondo.

"Kondo-san, I think you've been reading too much fanfiction," he smirked as he breathed heavily. "Like I said, this is just a job. Don't get so uptight."

Kondo smirked back, panting and sweating. "That may be true, _Yorozuya_, but I know deep in your heart you're the romantic type and you're a fan of that pairing. Anyway, if what you said is right that piggy back rides are something innocent and done only by parents, children and friends, then why the hell are Otae-san's lips almost touching your cheek eh?!!!"

"HUH?!!?" Gintoki was taken aback by what Kondo said. He moved his face a little to get a peek if Otae's face was really that close when he felt two soft lips touched his cheek.

"AHHHHH...now her lips are on your cheek!!!" Kondo screamed. Gintoki felt the blood rushed to his face. "AHHHHHH...now you're blushing!!!' Kondo shouted. "You did that on purpose _kisama_!!!"

"_Chi...Chigau_! It was an accident. You told me her lips was near my cheek so I just want to check if it was true!!" shouted Gintoki, still blushing.

"Well you should have just believed me! AHHHHHHH...my poor Otae-san's lips have been tainted. Give her back to me. I won't let you take advantage of her like this," Kondo screamed and rushed toward the still red-in-the-face _Yorozuya_.

Kondo thought he had finally gotten hold of Gintoki and could finally take Otae away. 'Otae-san, my love, you will be safe with me. I will not carry you home that way. I will use the Lover's Carry technique. These strong arms of mine will envelop you with love and I will keep you close to my heart,' he thought happily, mentally giggling at the image forming in his mind. This was the chance he was waiting for. Kondo, Love Hunter, wins.

"Go away, gorilla!" He heard that voice before, he thought. It was Otae-san. But it was too late when he opened his eyes, he saw the sleeping Otae's fist went straight to his face. His eyes widened in surprise. The fist connected and it felt like going head-to-head with a cement truck. Kondo went flying. At that moment, he was already unconscious so it did not matter how high he got or how he landed because he won't be able to get up. He would find himself waking on the side of the road the next morning with half of his face horridly swollen.

Otae, on the other hand, seemed undisturbed by what happened. Eyes still closed, she was a picture of drunken stupor, her arm now hanging loosely on Gintoki's neck. She sighed while Gintoki stood there a bit stunned. "Tch...that's why I told you it was just a job," he chided the fallen Kondo. "It serves you right for insisting that piggy back rides are done by lovers. Well, of course, Ichigo and Rukia are the exception. Anyway, I wouldn't give Otae-san to you, especially in this state. That smile on your face earlier revealed that you were plotting something _ero_. It's unforgivable! Sorry, but it's my duty to keep her safe."

He walked away while adjusting his hold on Otae. "I didn't know this woman learned Drunken Fist? I wondered if she went to China and studied under Jackie Chan?" Gintoki said out loud. "Maybe I should ask her to teach me some moves. It may prove handy when me and Hasegawa-san get drunk in a bar and have no money to pay for it."

The rest of the way was uneventful. But it felt like he had been walking a marathon. He was getting a little tired. All that running away from Kondo had made his knees wobbly. Plus, he hadn't forgotten that he received a kiss from the unconscious young woman earlier. He blushed again at the thought and felt like melting. "I need to catch my breath for a sec," as he put Tae down on the bench of one of the closed shops. People went home early in this area of _Kabukicho_, so there was no one around. The deserted road was punctuated by the full moon shining brightly up in the black sky.

He looked at Otae wistfully and absently touched the cheek where he had been kissed. 'Her lips felt really soft,' he thought involuntarily and noticed a blush coming on again coupled with his heart skipping a beat. He quickly stood up, turned his back on Tae and stretched outrageously. "Huwahh...I'm getting sleepy. I need to stretch my shoulders and back. I'm sure they're going to be painful tomorrow," he said out loud. He continued stretching for a few minutes until his nerves calmed down and his muscles were properly pulled, he turned around to get Otae on his back. But out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of an old man sitting on the other side of the bench. "Yaaa, since when have you been there, _jiji_?" he said clearly startled.

"Who me?" asked the old man, smiling. He was a man in his late 80s, small and bent. He wore a tattered hakama. His face was weather-beaten but the mirth in his smile showed a gentle nature.

"Of course, you. You're the only old man here!" shouted Gintoki, sitting on the middle of the bench. "I've been here since the beginning," said the old man, still smiling. "It's just that you didn't see me because you were too busy blushing earlier while looking at that sleeping young woman over there."

"What are you talking about? I...I wasn't blushing," denied Gintoki, 'Shit, was I really that red on the face?' he thought worriedly. The old man chuckled.

"Were you thinking of kissing her?" said the old man, nodding knowingly as if to tell Gintoki, 'Don't worry, it's our little secret.'

"_Chigau_, I wasn't thinking of any such thing, you dirty old coot," said Gintoki, feeling really uncomfortable.

"Oh ho, I could see you are blushing again," the old man pointed out.

"That's not a blush!" *coughs* "I just had a couple of drinks, that's all," denied Gintoki again. "Anyway, I think we better get going." He gently hoisted Tae on his back and quickly walked away from the old man. He felt he had been teased enough.

"Oh giving her a piggy back ride eh. What a good _oniichan_ you are," said the old man, walking beside Gintoki.

'Huh? How fast can this old man walk?' thought Gintoki suspiciously. He picked up his pace a little. But it seemed the old man was able to keep up with him without any trouble.

"I see, you're not her _oniichan_. Must be her boyfriend then?" said the old man, winking at him.

"Not really," he answered, willing his eyes to look forward. He must stay focused. He must live by his code. He must not let this old man put conflicting feelings in him. 'Be steadfast, Gintoki,' he said to himself.

"Hmm...by the looks of you earlier, you're probably harboring some yet-to-be discovered feelings for her," smiled the old man innocently. "Or perhaps, it's already there and you just don't want to let it out?"

'Keep calm, Gintoki, remember to respect your elders,' Gintoki reminded himself and decided to change the subject quickly. "_Jiji_, where are you headed at this time of the night, anyway? Shouldn't you be home with your family. Your wife might be worried about you."

"Oh I'm just taking a walk here and there," the old man said nonchalantly. "Speaking of my wife, you know, she loved piggy back riding. It's not true what they say about piggy back riding only being done by parents, children and best friends. A lot of couples do it, too. In fact, it's one of the sweetest ways to show your love for someone. For instance, if they get tired or too sleepy or too drunk, you could just tell them, '_Hora_, climb on my back. I'll carry you home safely.' And then, you feel them so close to you. Bodies pressed against each other. You holding their legs, while their arms are draped on your neck and their head laid on your shoulder. Once in while, their warm breath would tickle your cheek or neck, and then you'll feel like there's electricity flowing down your spine. It's such a nice feeling. Don't you thick so?"

Gintoki glanced at the old man incredulously. He can't believed the old man had accurately described how he felt while carrying Otae on his back. She murmured something inaudible, her warm breath sending small tickles down his neck. He straightened up abruptly. Hot and cold waves sent his spine tingling with warm pleasure.

"_Hora_, you're feeling it right now, aren't you?" the old man chuckled.

"_Urusai jiji_," said Gintoki, a bit irritated at being discovered. The old man was not helping his situation at all. If anything, he was adding more fuel to the invisible fire already sparking within him. He started to walk even faster.

"You know, everyday I would give my wife a piggy back ride," recalled the old man, oblivious of Gintoki's pace. "Oh how she would enjoy it. I would walk down the riverside with her on my back and we would watch the sunset together. She loved it, I tell you. Until she fell ill and couldn't go out anymore. She was in so much pain, that she couldn't even climb up my back and go piggy back riding with me." The old man sighed. "I wanted to give her a piggy back ride until the very end. But..."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Gintoki, trying to feel the old man's pain but he couldn't. There was one nagging question on his mind. "Er, _jiji_, you must be a very fit man when you were younger. How the hell can you keep up with my brisk walking?" he finally asked.

"Oh, that's easy," said the old man, smiling. "My feet don't touch the ground. Look."

Gintoki felt like ice cold water was dumped on his head. Without stopping his brisk walk, he slowly turned his head to see if the old man was telling the truth. What he saw drained all the blood out of his face. The old man was floating on air. In fact, he couldn't even see if the old man had feet at all. The lower half of the body was transparent. And this was the first time he noticed it.

"Oh, by the way, can you be so kind as to give my wife over there a piggy back ride, too. It's been a while since she enjoyed one and in our state, I can't really do it for her," the old man said, still smiling. Gintoki looked to his left and saw an old woman, smiling back at him. She was also floating on air. "Just let her take over this young woman's body for a bit so she can enjoy the piggy back ride _ne_," he heard the old man said.

"_Ya..yada, YADA, YAADDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAA_!!!," Gintoki shouted as he broke into a run, the kind that would put any 100-meter dash Olympic athlete to shame. He dashed and he never looked back, tightening his grip on Otae. He stopped once to catch his breath.

"_Are_, why the hell am I running?" he panted, laughing a little. "It's not like I've seen some ghosts or something." Visions of the old man and his wife coming toward him, both floating on air flashed before him and he knew for certain that he really did see an old ghost couple who loved to go piggy back riding.

"_NANDA SOOOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE_!!!" he screamed while he ran faster than a speeding bullet train, all the way to the _Kudokan dojo_, kicking the locked gate to oblivion.

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**Tinpachi-sensei's Note**

Tinpanchi-sensei: Just so you know, I didn't run screaming like a girl. That was a manly scream. You know, like how pro wrestlers do it. Really coming from the manly diaphragm.

Gigai-gurl: What are you doing here? There's no omake for this chapter. So why are showing up here and telling people lies.

Tinpanchi-sensei: I was just telling the readers that I didn't scream like a girl. They might doubt my manliness with the way you wrote the fic at the end. It doesn't do justice to my manly samurai persona.

Gigai-gurl: *already had her earphones on, listening to The Cure's In-between Days*

Tinpanchi-sensei: Oi! Are you even listening? Oi! GG-san _teba_!!!

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	3. Champagne is the only wine that leaves

**Author's Note:** I'm back and I bring thee a new chapter of this madness. XD Thank you again for reading. And for the reviews from XxabridgedgirlyxX and Midori-chan. *gives you guys glomps*

XxabridgedgirlyxX, yup, I know Gintoki already saw ghosts, but that was in a remote inn up in the mountains. Somehow it got me thinking that he would be frightened of them again if he encounters them in an unlikely yet familiar place - in Kabukicho. I was actually deciding on whether or not to make him call the ghost a "stand" but I decided not to. ;) Thanks again.

Midori-chan, Tinpachi-sensei will give you a bad grade if you're like that with him...hehe. But don't worry, I'll make sure he'll not abuse his authority. (^_^) And yeah, I so agree with you, the randomness in Gintama makes it awesome! I love how we can incorporate such randomness in a Gintama fanfic without feeling guilty or worried that it may be out of place for the series. Alright on with the story. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Gintama is copyrighted by Hideaki Sorachi. I make no claims of owning it.

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**Champagne is the only wine that leaves a woman beautiful after drinking it**

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This was the first time Gintoki ran so fast in his entire life. Or rather, this was the first time he ran so fast while screaming in fright. If Otae was awake, he would have left her to fend for herself and he would have scaled the nearest wall just to get away.

But alas, he just couldn't leave an unconscious young woman on the road, especially if said young woman would find out about it the next morning. The prospect of facing her wrath was so much scarier than facing dead people. He still valued his life, after all.

So when he reached the _Kudokan_ _dojo_, he breathed a sigh of relief. He knew they were safe. Nevermind the destroyed gate as long as they were inside the _dojo_. He was still panting when he placed Otae down on the living room tatami mat.

'Hah...hah...I've never...hah...put so much...hah...effort into a job...hah...before,' he thought, trying to catch his breath. 'It felt like I've run a piggy back race in a military obstacle course.' He went to the kitchen to drink a glass of water. He was tempted to eat the Baagen Daz in the fridge but thought the better of it. He went back to the living room and gazed at the peacefully sleeping Otae.

"Oh you're going to regret all this tomorrow when you wake up," he said to the young woman with a smirk on his face. "You're going to have such a huge hangover the likes of which you've never experienced. And I hope you'll learn your lesson then."

He hunched over her and brushed a wayward lock of hair off her face. "Tch...drinking more than 20 bottles of Dom Peri like it was water. A young woman like you should know her limits with alcohol. Why, in other countries you have to be 21 years old to be able to drink that thing. And here you are, an 18-year-old, wasted like a middle-aged salary man who had just been fired."

He was gazing at her so intently that he found himself thinking how lovely she looked sleeping innocently like that. He struggled to regain his composure. "I'm saying this because I care about you...your..." he coughed. "I mean, I care about your well-being and your family name. Plus, you're the eldest Shimura so you should set a good example for Shinpachi. Your future and your dream of reviving your father's dojo will be ruined if you become abusive with alcohol, right?"

He knew he wouldn't be able to say all these words to Otae without violent consequences once she was sober. So he took this opportunity to give her a scolding of sort. And for good measure, he gently flicked her forehead. Otae had always been a sensible person but sometimes her pride got in the way of that sensibility, he thought.

She shivered as if in response to his scolding, curling her body into a fetal position. 'She's cold,' Gintoki said to himself. He unfastened his kimono and instinctively draped it over her.

"_Saa_...let's get you into a warm futon and blanket. I wonder where I can find some," he said, opening a nearby closet but didn't find any. "Hmm...I guess you have some already laid out in your bedroom. Let see, where can your bedroom be?"

He found a fairly large room, not far from the living room, with sliding doors opening to a beautiful garden with a cherry blossom tree. The room was neat and modestly furnished. It smelled faintly of cherry blossom, sandalwood and mimosa petals.

In the middle of the room laid a futon and a floral blanket. "I think this is her room. I'd be very, very disappointed if this is Shinpachi's. No, the truth is, I wouldn't be disappointed, I would be very, very violent with that boy if this is his room."

He went back to the living room to move Otae. "All right, let's get to bed," he caught himself saying. "AHAHA just joking. I mean let's get you to bed...why don't you just shut up Gintoki and do the work, geesh. Now I'm talking to myself."

He planned to give her another piggy back ride. But he discovered that it was difficult to accomplish the maneuver when both people were on the floor and the other person was unconscious. In fact, it was terribly awkward to do.

Even if he was able to get Otae on a sitting position and drape her on his back, he would be thrown off balance once he tried lifting her up. He had little room to brace himself and with the load on his back, there was the tendency to topple over backwards.

Gintoki paced back and forth, thinking of a way to solve this problem. He toyed with the idea of just dragging her into her bedroom, feet first. 'No, no, that would be ungentlemanly of me. It's not like she's Hasegawa-san who wouldn't mind being dragged by the feet," he thought. "Hmm...I could pull her by the hand. Or better yet, I could just roll her like a carpet towards the bedroom." He dismissed both ideas.

He never really considered these things before. To him, as long as the person was alive when he got to the destination, it didn't really matter if he dragged him by the neck, throw him like a boomerang, kicked him like a soccer ball, or rolled him like a carpet. What mattered was he got the job done with as little effort as he could muster.

But this one was tricky because it involved Otae. If it was a random client, he wouldn't hesitate to use any means necessary. 'I wouldn't see their faces again after the job is done anyway," he said to himself, "But with Otae-san, I'm bound to see her everyday." And even if she was unconscious right now and won't know or feel a thing, he would know. In short, he would feel guilty for treating her that way.

'So it has to be something that's not going to be rough on her,' he thought as he scratched his head "Come on, Gintoki, think. There must be other ways to get her into the bedroom," he paused. "No, no, that's not what I meant. Crap! My head is being filled with impure thoughts!"

He sat down beside Otae and thought long and hard. After a few minutes, he remembered a search and rescue seminar he attended a few years back. He went there for the free food actually, but he did learn some useful techniques in between eating the desserts.

"Yosh, let's do this," he said quite excitedly. He mentally debated whether to do a Fireman's Carry or Fireman's Drag. He opted for the latter since a Fireman's Carry could still be rough on Otae.

"Alright, let's see, the first one. I remember it's something like this – I lie beside the person, take her left arm and place it under my head. Now get her right leg and hook it on my right leg. Then with my right hand I'll take a hold of her waist and then - 1, 2, 3...we roll," he said doing the whole maneuver in one fluid motion.

The unconscious Otae was now on top of his back and he grinned triumphantly. 'Wow! That was easy as pie. Now all I have to do is to crawl towards her bedroom,' he thought. But when he did that, he felt really conscious of how both their bodies were rubbing against each other. And he stopped abruptly.

"_YABE_!!! This is not a good idea. NOT good at all." He unrolled Otae back on the floor as he tried to catch his breath and calm his wildly beating heart. "Shit! At this point, I won't even make it to the bedroom." He put a hand on his eyes.

"_Ochitsuite_, Gintoki. There must be a rated G way of doing this. Think," he urged himself. "Ah...I remember there's another technique. Let me see," he got the belt that he used to tie his kimono with and bound Otae's hands.

"Yosh, I know this one. I position myself on top of her," at this he hesitated, pushing S&M thoughts desperately out of his mind. "Shit! This might be worst than the first one. _Ochitsuite_, Gintoki. You'll never know until you try it. So go ahead and get it done."

He went on his hands and knees on top of Otae and slid his head under her bound arms until he was face to face with her. He was really careful not to let his body touch hers or that would be the end of it. "Alright. So far, so good. The next step would be to place my right arm under her head and then lift it and crawl."

He was able to move a few steps when Otae suddenly bent her bound arms, causing him to fall face first on her chest. "_Ah kawaii shiro inu_!" she said in a girly yet drunken voice. "Who's the cute puppy," she said with eyes still shut. "Yes you are. _Shiro inu kawaii_!"

Gintoki struggled to get off her grip. As much as he liked what was being done to him, he knew he was endanger of being smothered to death. Otae had him in a vice-like grip and he was beginning to lose consciousness. He had no choice.

"_Wan, wan, wan_," he barked in the hope that Otae would realize she was hurting "_Shiro inu_." "_Wan, wan_," he barked again, this time trying hard to sound pitiable. Otae loosened her grip just a little and said, "_Shiru inu_ wanna play? _Dame._You must stay with Otae-chan _ne_," she said playfully and tightened her grip again. "_Shiro inu daisuki_!"

Gintoki was giving up hope. '_Kami-sama_, help!' he thought as he felt his body relaxing on top of her. He could hear Otae's heart beating steadily as opposed to the _taiko_ drumming beat of his heart. It was a marching pace, beat-2-3-4-5-6, beat-2-3-4-5-6 at first, but then it suddenly built up to a fast, frenetic tempo. It felt like his heart was going to explode.

Suddenly, he felt Otae's arms loosen along with the belt that bound them. He crawled quick as lightning out of her grasp and cowered into a corner wall. "Calm down, you stupid heart! You piece of lovesick son of a dog in heat!" He screamed as he pounded the wall with his forehead. "Calm down or I'll swear I'll pierce you with a _katana_ myself!"

Just then he heard Otae sobbed and turned to look at her with a tinge of worry on his face. He gasped and blood quickly sped up to his nostrils. "Argh!" The nosebleed was so strong it threw him further into the corner.

Otae was in a rather seductive pose. Her kimono, which was disturbed by Gintoki's abrupt escape earlier, had gone out of place, revealing a view of her smooth leg and thigh. Gintoki willed himself not to look again despite the really strong urge to feast his eyes on the young woman. "_Hentai janai. Hentai janai. Hentai janai_," he repeated like a mantra while holding his nose to stop the bleeding.

He slowly moved backwards toward where Otae was and gingerly grope for the edge of her kimono. He found it, grabbed it and flipped it in place. He breathed a sigh of relief and collapsed on the floor. "Tch..._mendokuse_. Why did I take on this job again?" he asked himself. "This job would either be the death of me. Or it will send me to jail."

He stayed there for a while, thinking of a new strategy but couldn't think of anything. "Tch...might as well do it this way..." He proceeded to gather Otae in his arms - one arm under her shoulders and the other under her legs. "Alright, here I go...1, 2, 3," he stood up easily. "Why didn't I think of this before. I spent several useless minutes doing stupid techniques that would have gotten me into trouble," he sighed as he walked towards Otae's bedroom.

He carefully set her on the futon, placing her legs down first to free his arm. With his hand free, he held her head to support it while gently taking out the other arm on her shoulders. As he did so, he brought his face dangerously close to hers. So close, in fact, he could smell the sweet, faint scent of Dom Peri on her closed mouth.

He paused momentarily, looking at her slightly pouting full lips. 'I wonder if those taste like Dom Peri,' he mused, beginning to lose himself in that heady feeling. He moved closer to her face, their noses almost touching, it was as if he had no doubts any more, no fear of doing something he would regret.

Eyes half-closed as if in a trance, his breathing heavy and his heartbeat deafening, he pressed on, his lips an inch away from hers. Then he blinked, once, twice, and found himself out of the trance and eyes wide in disbelief. 'Shit! What am I doing? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? I shouldn't be doing this. It's not right,' he screamed in his mind. 'I should stop this.'

As he began to pull his face away from her, Otae stretched out an arm, hooked it on his neck and jerked him forward to her. His lips crashed unto hers before he could react. He struggled for a second, but the taste of Dom Peri on her lips made him intoxicated and unexpectedly joyous.

His aches and pains, his utter foolishness, his embarrassing screams, all these melted in the background and the only thing important was that moment, right there, right now. And he didn't care anymore. But as he was beginning to succumb to the bliss, Otae pushed him away and sighed, "Dom Peri _oishii_."

He gaped at her in disbelief. "_Teme_! You thought my lips were a bottle of Dom Peri!!!" Almost letting go of Otae's head. He muttered inaudibly, "And here I was thinking how soft your lips are and how wonderful it would be to kiss you...and..."

Otae just let out a contented sigh and he stopped and gazed at her ruefully. He smiled and gently laid her down on the futon and covered her with the warm blanket. He brought it up to her chin and looked at her sleeping face again. "Tch..._mendokuse_," he whispered. Perhaps, the ghost old man was right. He discovered a new feeling and it felt like someone gave his heart a direct punch. It was throbbing and he was sure that everytime he would look at her, he would be reminded of it from now on.

He got up and sat by the sliding door of her room. He gazed out into the garden. The full moon was illuminating the lone cherry blossom tree. He thoughtfully touched his lips and said, feeling lighthearted and unexplainably happy inside, "Her lips really did taste like Dom Peri."

* * *

**  
Omake Omake Wannabe**

Oshiite Tinpachi-sensei!

Tinpachi-sensei: "Yo! First off, let's give a round of applause to XxabridgedgirlyxX-san and Midori-chan for reviewing this fanfic. Although, I expected people to criticize the fanfic author for...*Gigai-gurl shoots him with a killer glance*...um, yes, we're very thankful for the reviews. Hmm...this Midori-chan, she's feisty eh. She's not even in our class but she's throwing chalks at me. Tsk, tsk...*shakes his head*...Young people these days have no respect for their elders."

Gigai-gurl: "Tinpachi-sensei, may I remind you that she likes the fanfic and that's just how she shows her love and support for your manly samurai persona."

Tinpachi-sensei: *in a high-pitched voice and vein popping* "What do you mean? She just wrote she heard me screaming like a girl. LIKE A GIRL, for god's sake!!!"

Kagura-san, Otae-san, Gigai-gurl looked at him calmly and nodded their heads in agreement.

Tinpachi-sensei: *sighed* "It's no use. My manly image has gone down the drain. I can't face life as a samurai anymore."

Shinpachi-san: "Don't worry, Tinpachi-sensei. Your samurai persona was actually proven manly in this fanfic. You got into a lot of "compromising" positions in this new chapter."

Kagura-san: Shinpachi, you forgot that he did those "compromising" positions to Anego.

Shinpachi-san: *shocked*...WHAT? WHAT THE HELL? Why you hentai bastard?!! I'll get you for that...*everyone held him back from reaching Tinpachi-sensei while in the background, the hurtful cries of Kondo-san could be heard.*

Kondo-san: Otae-san...*sobs* Bring back my Otae-san to me. She's my love, my heart, my everything. *sobs* *Everyone obviously ignored his pleading.*

Katsura-san: *held up a sign that said...* {A samurai who do dishonorable and impure things are despicable. He's not a samurai. He's a hentai!}

Tinpachi-sensei: *gave him whack on the head* Shut up, you no-girlfriend-since-birth Zura bastard! I'm not hentai! It was the situation that made me do it. And what's this? You're using a sign to say your dialogue? Are you impersonating Elizabeth now?

Katsura-san: *brought out another sign* {Zura ja nai. Katsura da.}

Tinpachi-sensei: *grabbed the sign and began stomping on it* "That line...it's getting really old and cliche. It needs to die already and get burned and sent to heaven. ARGH!"

Kagura-san: "Elizabeth, why is Zura holding up these signs?"

Elizabeth-san: *held out a sign" {He's in protest of the fanfic author.}

Gigai-gurl: "EH?!!! Me? And why is that?"

Elizabeth-san: *held out another sign* {Because you wrote him off and said to never come back again. Now he's sulking.}

Gigai-gurl: *vein on the forehead slowly popping* "I just wrote those in the previous omake because I don't want him to interrupt me. That's all. It has nothing to do with him. I don't hate his character at all. I actually like his antics in Gintama."

Katsura-san: *held out a sign that said...* {Hmph!}

*Gigai-gurl lost it and give him a flying kick on the back.* "_Nanda kore?_! You have the guts to give me a "Hmph" sign even when I said I liked your character's antics. _Shi-neeeeeeeeeeeeee_!"

Katsura-san: "Kyaa!!! Forgive me...forgive me, Gigai-gurl-sama. I won't go on protest against you ever again."

Tinpachi-sensei: "Oi, you guys go back to your seats. We haven't done the lesson yet."

*When everyone was seated, he casually walks toward Gigai-gurl and whispers conspiratorially.*

Tinpachi-sensei: Ehem, Gigai-gurl-san...*coughs* Um, I mean the ever mighty and forever kind Gigai-gurl-sama, um, about that kissing scene, um, can't you edit it a bit and make the kiss, you know, lasts a little longer...and...and...maybe put a little tong....UGH! *Otae-san gave him a mean upper cut that sent him crashing on the blackboard.

Otae-san: "_Temera_!!! What are you suggesting, you HENTAI SAMURAI?!! Are you trying to make this new chapter a pornfic??!! You need to die already_, _get burned and sent to hell!!! *stomping on Tinpachi-sensei*

*Gigai-gurl slaps her forehead*

Gigai-gurl: "You have to make that kind of request with Otae-san sitting just right beside me, did you? Ba...ka..." *puts her earphones on and starts listening to The Cure's "Just like Heaven."

*Elizabeth appears with a sign* {Ja ne!} *then looks around and sneaks another sign* {Please sign the petition asking the fanfic author to include Elizabeth in her Gintama fanfic. Please? I'll give you 300 yen.}

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	4. Champagne, if you are seeking the truth

**Author's Note:** Minna, my deepest apology for taking a looonnnng time to be back on here. Gomen ne. Anyway, here's another new chapter of this madness. XD Thank you again for reading. And for the reviews, story favorites and alerts. *gives you guys glomps and heart-shaped cookies*

Gintama is copyrighted by Hideaki Sorachi. I make no claims of owning it.

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**"Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector."**

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* * *

**Mornings at the Shimura dojo are really not that eventful. On weekdays, Otae and Shinpachi seldom see each other due to their differing schedules. Otae, who works at Snack Sumairu during nights, has the tendency to wake up late in the morning while Shinpachi, who has erratic work times at Yorozuya, would sometimes wake up early and other times stay in bed late, too.

But on this particular morning, Shinpachi found himself walking back to the dojo after crashing at the Yorozuya headquarters last night. Gintoki had assigned him and Kagura several part time jobs that lasted late into the night. They both whined. They both grumbled. But they did the work just the same even without Gintoki, who was called to do another job. "Gin-san, that job better pay more that the part time work Kagura and I did or else we'll go on strike," Shinpachi muttered sleepily. "But I guess it must have been a big job since he hasn't come back to the HQ yet when I left."

He finally reached the dojo grounds. He didn't notice the busted gate right away. He was still sleepy and a bit out of it. "Owww, my neck. I didn't know that couch was so uncomfortable to sleep on. I better get some more sleep. I need to be well-rested for Otsu's concert tonight," he said absent-mindedly. "I wonder if Aneue is already awake? Nah, it's still too early." He was about to slid open the house door when he perked up and did a double take. The dojo gate hung haphazardly on its hinges, unlocked and wide open.

A lightning bolt of fear and worry suddenly crossed his mind as he slammed open the house door. "ANEUE!" He called frantically as he unceremoniously kicked his geta off his feet almost tripping on the floor. He ran past the living room and went straight to his sister's bedroom. "ANEUE!"

All manner of shocking scenes akin to the reality-murder series he saw on TV raced inside Shinpachi's head, but what he saw inside was ten times more horrifying. For there in the futon, beside his beloved sister, was the unaccounted for white-haired samurai. His arm and leg hooked on Otae's sleeping form. His face too close to hers for Shinpachi's comfort and brotherly sanity.

Shock turned to murderous intent almost immediately.

"GIN-SAN! Ero-samurai!" He shouted as he dragged the sleeping Gintoki off his beloved sister and kicked him out of her room into the garden.

Gintoki woke up with a start when he hit the grass. "Wha...what happened?" He blinked once or twice in time to see a raging Shinpachi, smoke coming out of his flared nostrils, getting ready to slaughter him.

"Whoa! Shinpachi! Calm down. It's me...Gintoki," he shouted abruptly. Somehow he thought Shinpachi had mistaken him for an intruder in their house.

"Oh I know who you are! You ero-samurai!" Shinpanchi said angrily. "How dare you take advantage of my aneue. Give her innocence and purity back. Give them back!" he demanded as he ran up to Gintoki and proceeded to strangle him. They both stumbled to the ground.

"Ahckkk...Shin...pa...chi...I didn't do...ahckkk...any...ahcckk...thing," Gintoki sputtered as he tried to pry Shinpanchi's fingers off his neck. He knew reason won't reach the boy as his sister complex was on in full force. He had to do something quick. He bent his legs and placed them under Shinpachi's and in one swift move, heaved the young man's body over his head and threw him off. Startled, Shinpachi scrambled on his feet as quickly as he could while Gintoki, now fully awake, ran as far away from him.

"Oi, Shinpachi, that's not funny. For a minute there, I thought you were going to choke me to death. That's not funny at all," he said half-jokingly.

"You're right. I'm gonna kill you! How dare you taint my sister with your filthy hands! Give her purity back, you ero-samurai," Shinpachi screamed as he ran after Gintoki around the dojo's garden.

"Calm down! I didn't touch your sister," shrieked Gintoki, running away from Shinpachi. "You got it wrong. I was only called to do a job last night to bring your sister home. That was it."

"Who would believe THAT when I just saw you draped all over my helpless sister? Huh?" Shinpachi demanded. He had thought of throwing a huge river rock at Gintoki when he heard a familiar voice.

"Would you two stop it already!" bellowed Otae, who walked out of her room holding her head in pain. "All this screaming and shouting is hurting my head. If you don't stop now, I'll make sure you two lay in peace perma..." Suddenly she placed her hand to her mouth and dashed to the bathroom.

Both Gintoki and Shinpachi looked at each other. And then Shinpachi cried out, "Gin-saaaaannnnn! Now look at what you did? She's pregnant with your child! And you both are not even married. This is a disgrace to the Shimura name!"

"I said I DIDN'T TOUCH HER alright!" Gintoki denied vehemently. But visions of what transpired that long night came to his head and it made him inexplicably warm all over. "Well, I may have touched her legs and the small of her back and maybe got too close to her face...*sigh*...and maybe...our lips..."

"AND YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T TOUCH HER?" Shinpachi said incredulously.

"What I meant was nothing happened last night alright. We didn't DO it, that's what I meant," Gintoki was quick to point out, placing major emphasis on the 'didn't do it' part to appease Shinpachi lest he goes berserk again.

"Ah sou...from the sound of it you were planning on doing it with her last night," said Shinpachi quietly seething inside. "It's like there's this premeditated thing going on in your head and it finally surfaced. HOW CAN I BELIEVE YOU DIDNT DO IT WITH HER?"

"Like I told you, it was only a job. The manager, Kikuya, called me and asked me to do it," explained Gintoki.

"What the hell? Her BOSS pimped her to you! I should call the police. Aneue has been molested without her knowledge. I'll have you people arrested for wrecking my sister's future," Shinpachi cried.

"Would you cut it out! Teme! Like I said it was only a job. Your sister got so drunk from drinking too much Dom Peri and she couldn't go home on her own. That's the job I did. That's it," related Gintoki, feeling a bit relieved at seeing Shinpachi calm down a little.

"And then?" Shinpachi asked, eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"Well, I got some sake out of your fridge and drank it. It must have been a strong sake because I passed out after just a few drinks," Gintoki said matter-of-factly. He decided not to ask why the two "obviously-not-yet-in-their-drinking-age" siblings have sake in their fridge in the first place. It wasn't the time especially with Shinpachi agitated and all.

"Passed out in my sister's bedroom?" Shinpachi questioned.

"Well, I was trying to look out for her. She's so out of it, you know, so I stayed here to guard her," Gintoki reasoned out.

"In my sister's bedroom?" Shinpachi questioned again, getting a bit tense at recalling the sight of Gintoki and his sister sharing a steamy embrace. It was enough to make the hairs on the back of his neck rise and his imaginary fangs show in anger.

"Yes, yes, I know I should have stayed outside of her room," Gintoki said apologetically. "But you see, I was a little scared that the ghosts might have followed us or something. You know, I really did see ghosts last night." He said in a small voice, desperately trying to convince the four-eyed young man and a bit ashamed that he admitted being scared of ghosts.

"Huh? Gin-san, do you really think I'd believe some lame ass story like that?" Shinpachi screamed as a vein popped on his forehead. "Especially from an ero-samurai like YOU?"

Just then, Otae showed up again, vigorously massaging her forehead.

"Shimura Shinpachi! I swear if you don't keep your voice down, you will find yourself in a place you won't come back from," said Otae, this time in an even yet menacing tone.

Both Shinpachi and Gintoki held their breath in fright. They both knew that this Otae is not someone they want to mess around with right now. If they did, hell would be frozen over. They sat there in silence and waited. Nothing could be heard save for the leaves rustling in the cool morning breeze. Not even a bird dared to chirp.

"Gomen ne...oneechan doesn't feel very well today," said Otae in her normal voice. It was as if the total silence had brought her some relief from the headache that was cracking her skull open.

"Aneue, where does it hurt? Did this ero-samurai did bad things to your body..." asked Shinpachi, genuinely worried about his sister.

"I said I DIDN'T TOUCH HER that way...I..." Gintoki didn't finish his sentence because a very hard pillow was thrown directly on his face, knocking the wind out of him.

"Gin-san, I don't know what you're talking about and I don't really care. But could you PLEASE keep quiet, too. I really, REALLY feel sick," said Otae, feeling irritated, frustrated and helpless - all at the same time. If possible, she didn't want to talk at all or stay in an upright position for much longer.

"Aneue, what happened?" asked a concerned Shinpachi.

"I think I drank too much Dom Peri in my entire life, Shin-chan," she said as she struggled to keep her nausea at bay. "And it wasn't a good idea. Now, would you please close the door. The light is really blinding me," she said as she retreated into her bedroom. "Just let me lie down. I probably needed to sleep this off. Would you do me a favor and tell my boss at Snack Sumairu that I won't be coming in tonight. I'm sorry ne." She tried to say all these as slowly as she could. She knew that if she talked fast, she's bound to run to the bathroom again. She laid down on the futon and felt a bit better.

"Aneue, is there anything you need? I'll get you some water. Do you want me to stay here with you and take care of things?" Shinpachi was now on caregiver mode. He hated seeing his sister fall ill and so he'll do whatever he can to keep her comfortable and taken care of.

"No...no...you have Otsu's concert to go to, right? Don't worry about me. It's just a little hangover, I'll be okay," Otae reassured her brother.

"But...you might need my help..." Shinpachi insisted.

"Shin-chan, I can take care of myself. It's just a hangover. Now go get some rest for Otsu's concert tonight. If you don't go, I'll never get over the guilt," Otae said sincerely. She wouldn't want her little brother to miss Otsu's concert. Not when he had been so excited to see this long-awaited event for weeks on end.

Shinpachi was completely torn. He really wanted to see Otsu's concert but he didn't want to leave his aneue to nurse her hangover by herself. "Shin-chan, you must go. I'll be alright. Don't worry. Okay?" Otae interrupted his thoughts.

He sighed. "Hai...but do you need anything now, Aneue? Water? Ice pack? Pain meds?"

Otae pulled the blanket over her head and said in a muffled tone, "No. Just for you and Gintoki to leave my bedroom and let me sleep. Like now."

"Oh yeah...sorry about that," said Shinpachi and glanced at Gintoki. They both left the room and closed the door behind them as gently as they could.

"Aneue is in bad shape, Gin-san," he said. "I can't go to Otsu's concert. It's an overnight thing and in a far off place, what if Aneue gets worse? What if she gets a fever and I'm not here to take care of her..."

"Shinpachi, don't get ahead of yourself," Gintoki put an arm on the boy's shoulders. "There's nothing to worry about, it's just a massive hangover. The alcohol will wear off eventually, she'll just need to sleep it off. It's her first time getting this drunk. Am I right? Tch. Your sister skipped the basic levels of drunkenness - namely good, buzzed, tipsy, inebriated, sloshed, thrashed - and powered up to super obliterated. I guess it can't be helped."

"Gin-san, you make it sound like my sister drinks like a fish. She doesn't get drunk in the club," Shinpachi said.

"Well, your sister has her pride to protect. So, against her better judgment, she went ahead and consumed as much bottle as she can. Does she have a secret problem you don't know about?" Gintoki asked, rather curious again as to why Otae drank as she did last night.

"No. Despite us being orphaned at a young age, Gin-san, I'm sure we've become well-rounded individuals. Except for the occasional hints of violence on my sister's part and my penchant for idols, we're good, decent people," Shinpachi retorted defensively. "But I'm still uncomfortable leaving her like this and going to Otsu's concert tonight."

"She said you can go. Don't worry, she's a big girl. She can take care of herself. Well, granted that she's having a hangover so bad it can kill a small mammal. But other than that, it's just a minor thing," Gintoki reassured the conflicted young man. He actually admired Shinpachi's loyalty and love for his big sister. It's a rare thing for siblings to have in this day and age.

"No, I can't. It's my duty as her brother to take care of her. I can't just abandon her," said Shinpachi.

Gintoki sighed. "Alright. I see you're in a pinch. How about this - I'll stay here and take care of her while you're gone."

"NO. Thank you," Shinpachi quickly replied. He didn't want to risk seeing another scene like the one he saw this morning. Just recalling said scene made his blood boil all over again.

"What the hell? Don't you trust me? Like I said earlier, I didn't touch her. Dammit! I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart," Gintoki said, quite hurt. "Here I am trying to help you out of your dilemma and you don't trust me? Does our friendship mean nothing to you? Gee, that's the thanks I get for bringing your sister home safely last night? What's the world coming to? Man, this is such a thankless job."

Shinpachi couldn't help but feel guilty over what Gintoki said. Except for the sleeping beside his sister part, he was actually thankful to Gintoki for keeping his precious aneue safe. If it hadn't been for him, Otae would have been really taken advantage of, especially by that gorilla-stalker. He could just imagine his sister, in her obliterated state, agreeing to his marriage proposal. The thought sent shivers down his spine. He dismissed the rising hairs at the back of his neck.

"Gin-san, thank you for looking after my sister last night," he bowed and said seriously, which caught Gintoki off guard. "But please understand that I can't let you be with her alone in this house." He put his hands together and said earnestly, "Gomen!"

Gintoki smiled and resisted the urge to make fun of the four-eyed young man. He admired the boy's gutsy honesty. "Bakero! Who said I'll be here alone with her? What I meant was, both Kagura and I will take care of her for you. Heck, we'll also bring Sadaharu to be her guard dog if you want."

Shinpachi nodded in approval. He felt relieved. But only just a little. He knew even having Kagura there wouldn't erase his worry completely. 'If it's just a simple hangover, as Gintoki said, then there won't be a problem. Right?' He thought to himself. "I'm sure nothing like what I saw this morning will happen again. Aneue won't let it. I'm sure." Of course, he didn't tell Gintoki about his doubt, he just crossed his fingers and hoped that all would turn out well when he comes back from Otsu's concert tomorrow.

* * *

**Omake Omake Wannabe**

Oshiite Tinpachi-sensei!

Tinpachi-sensei: *flipping through Jump comics, obviously annoyed* Nanda kure? I kept reading time skip in mangas these days. Has time skip become so trendy that every mangaka has to use time skip in their plots? Why are they using time skip as a literary device? Ugh. I'll tell you why. It's because they are just too lazy and don't want to give their readers the "what-happened-after scenarios" for this or that character. Yeah, those lazy ass, filthy-rich-in-royalty authors just have no compassion and honor. No honor at all. I mean, who could bear not knowing what the thoughts and feelings of the characters are after a huge arc came to a close? Not the readers. We shouldn't be expected to just accept that was it - no denouement of some kind, no hints of who likes who, no closure whatsoever. For instance, what the hell was Ichigo thinking immediately after Rukia left? What did he do during those months? Back to normal life as usual? Bah, it irritates me, I tell you. It irritates me. But what irritates me the most is, WHERE THE HELL ARE MY STUDENTS? Why am I the only one here talking to myself?

Gigai-gurl: (passing through Tinpachi-sensei's classroom): BAKA! Everyone's done with your class. We've all moved up a year and are now in Otose-sensei's class.

Tinpachi-sensei: WHAT? Even here, we had a time skip. How did that happen without me knowing it? I can't believe this, GG-san, you also used a time skip? Why? How could you? You're not even a filthy rich royalty author...you're just..."

TWAP! (Tinpachi-sensei caught a very big and heavy textbook with his face.)

Gigai-gurl: Urusai! You've been asleep most of the time in class so how can you know? It's just that we are an intelligent bunch who, despite your incompetence, are all able to move up to another year level. Thank god for that. Now if you don't mind, I'm late for Otose-sensei's class. *puts her earphones on and starts listening to Smashing Pumpkin's "Disarm" and walks away*

Tinpachi-sensei: What the hell is that old woman teaching? I can't let my precious students be influenced by that old hag. I'll rescue you my students, just wait and see. Matte! GG-san, can you clarify the "doing it" and "didn't do it" with Otae-san in this story. It's really not clear what THIS is all about, but if you're thinking the same thing as I'm thinking, well, *coughs* that's totally fine. Yes, definitely fine. Although, I really think you should have added 'a fantasy love scene' somewhere in the story. It would...*ahem*...make me even more manly that way.

Otae: *stomping on Tinpanchi-sensei* Like hell I would let that happen, HENTAI samurai! Why don't you die already and time skip to hell!


	5. A cause may be inconvenient, but it's

**Author's Note**: Hello, _mina-san_. I'm here to 'torture' you with another chapter of this madness. Well, most of my GinxTae fanfics are crazy-like, this is why they take so long to get updated. LOL. Just kidding, I'm making that up as an excuse as I have no excuse why I take so long to update. *sheepish grin* Anyway, I have nothing note-worthy to say so I'll cut it short. I hope you enjoy this next chapter and thank you for reading! (^_^)

Gintama is copyrighted by Hideaki Sorachi. I make no claims of owning it.

* * *

**A cause may be inconvenient, but it's magnificent. It's like champagne or high heels, and one must be prepared to suffer for it.**

* * *

_Kudokan dojo_, 1pm. Shinpachi was preparing to leave for Otsu's concert...

"Alright, Kagura-chan. Here are some important phone numbers on the fridge. There's one for the hospital, in case _aneue_ gets worse. There's also the firefighters and police phone numbers, in case there's a really big emergency that you and Gin-san can't handle..." said Shinpachi, as he gathered his things together.

"For _kami-sama's_ sake, Shinpachi, we're looking after your grown-up sister and not a freaking toddler," said an annoyed Gintoki loudly. "We don't need those useless information!"

"Gin-san, I'm just being thorough. You guys have to be prepared for anything, you know," the young man said and turned to Kagura again and whispered: "And here's my _keitai_ number, in case Gin-san decides to do something unspeakable to my sister. Call me right away and I'll definitely come back quick."

"I can call you if he gets _ecchi_ with _anego_, yes?" replied Kagura, a bit enthusiastic at their plan.

"No, no, call me BEFORE he gets to do anything _ecchi_," corrected Shinpachi, giving a sideways glance at the white-haired samurai lying on the tatami mat in their living room.

"Oi, I can hear you both, you know," said Gintoki, scratching his ear. "Shinpachi, if you don't get going to Otsu's concert now, you could forget about going at all. It would really look bad for the captain of Otsu's Imperial Guard to suddenly get "injured" and be absent for this very important concert, wouldn't it?"

"Alright, alright, I'm going. Gee, Gin-san you don't have to force me out of my own house," Shinpachi quickly said as he put on his headband and grabbed the Otsu fan club banner. "I guess that's just about it, Kagura-chan. You and Gin-san have been in our dojo a couple of times so I think you both know where things are, right?"

He ran towards the door but before he stepped out, he turned to Kagura and said,"Remember what we talked about earlier, Kagura-chan. I'm counting on you."

"Leave it to me, Shinpachi," said Kagura as she smirked and gave him a thumbs-up sign. "If I can't contact you on the phone, I'll just beat Gin-chan up or maybe _anego_ can do it herself, yes?"

"What the hell are you two babbling about?" interrupted Gintoki, walking towards the door. "Shinpachi if you don't get out of here, I swear I'll..."

"_Itekimasu_!" shouted Shinpachi as he ran out the dojo. "Thank you for taking care of _aneue_ for me."

"Sheesh, Shinpachi's sister complex can be too friggin' creepy sometimes," said Gintoki as he stood by the door. "He needs to get himself a girlfriend or something. It's really becoming unhealthy." He closed the door and went into the living room.

"Oi, Kagura. Are you two plotting something against me? You've better spill it or there'll be no dinner for you tonight," Gintoki demanded.

"Nothing," replied Kagura, walking away with her folded arms on the back of her head. "I think I'll go check up on how _anego_ is doing." She said and whispered audibly. "Better I do it than you because who knows what you might do with a helpless _anego_..."

"What the hell did you say?" said Gintoki, getting irritated. "Nothing," answered Kagura as she hurriedly disappeared into Otae's bedroom.

"_Mattaku_...maybe it's a bad idea to be doing this," Gintoki scratched his head. "I just had a feeling it's gonna be more trouble than it's worth. Anyway, let's see, what should I do today? It's too late to do any jobs now, so I might as well take it easy. It's a nice time to take a nap. I guess, I'll do just that." As he was about to lie down on the floor and get comfortable, he heard the door to Otae's room open.

Kagura went to the living room. "Gin-chan, is it alright for you to be lazing around like this when _anego's_ not feeling well?"

"You and Shinpachi both worry too much. Like I said, it's only a hangover. Nothing serious about it," Gintoki said. But Kagura just gave him a somber look. "Well, how is she feeling?"

"She said her skull feels like it was being pounded open by a mallet and her stomach feels queasy. She's trying to sleep it off but she said it's not helping her any," Kagura said. "Is she getting worse?"

"Don't worry. With hang-overs like this, it usually gets worse before it gets better. She just needs to drink more water and get some more rest," said Gintoki. He felt relieved that all Otae was feeling were just normal symptoms.

Kagura remained unconvinced, however. "But she looks so pale and worn out. She can't keep food down because it goes back out again. Shinpachi was trying to get her to eat rice porridge for lunch earlier, but she hasn't touched it since. What should we do, Gin-chan? At this rate, _anego_ might get worse instead of better."

"_Maa...maa_, Kagura. Trust me, it will get better. She'll just have to go through this sort of detoxification," Gintoki reassured her. "But yeah, we couldn't let her go without food for a long time. Hmmm...leave it to me. I'll make her The Gintoki Special." He got up and went to the kitchen.

"Really? But _anego_ might puke that out, too," said Kagura, following him to the kitchen.

"Don't worry, this meal is what I specifically make for myself when I get a hangover and my stomach is too sensitive. If there's an Iron Chef for drunkards, this would be my signature dish," said Gintoki as he rummaged in the fridge for ingredients. "It looks like we don't have the main ingredients in here, Kagura. I guess we'll just have to get those."

"You go. I'll stay here and look after _anego_, yes?" Kagura quickly said and added inaudibly. "Shinpachi said not to leave you alone with her."

"What was that?" asked Gintoki, still looking in the fridge. "Did you say something?"

"I said, it would be better if Gin-chan would go out and buy the ingredients so I could stay here with _anego_," Kagura replied clearly. "It wouldn't be good to leave her alone when she's not feeling well, yes?"

Gintoki narrowed his eyes in suspicion. 'Tch...I was gonna have her go, so I could get a little nap time while waiting for the ingredients,' he thought. But it can't be helped, Kagura called it first. "Alright_._ But you start the pot boiling, okay? This special meal takes a while to put together so it would be good to get some of the things cooking ahead of time."

"I could do that," said Kagura, eager to begin. "Just tell me which ones I should boil first."

Gintoki proceeded to get vegetables out of the fridge and told Kagura how to prepare them. "Okay, I think that's just about it. I'll go buy the other ingredients." He walked towards the door. "Oi Kagura. Keep your eyes on the boiling pot. I don't want you to burn down the whole dojo."

"Yeah, yeah. I got it covered," Kagura annoyingly waved him off.

* * *

At the marketplace...

Gintoki walked the busy shopping street, carrying several plastic bags. "Tch...I think I went overboard with getting the ingredients. I didn't mean to get other stuffs, too." He sighed.

Some of the things he bought were good remedies for a hangover - bananas, honey, and ginger. 'Just in case, my Gintoki Special doesn't work. I have several backups,' this was the thought that ran through his mind when he got them. Apparently, he was more worried about Otae than he cared to admit. "Hmm...what else do I need? Oh yeah, eggs. Usually scrambled eggs with tomatoes work well."

"Gin-san, why would you get eggs when _natto_ would do," said a familiar voice, hiding behind the fruit stand. Gintoki saw a disguised female shinobi among the seedless watermelons, giving him her sweetest smile. "Besides, why would you settle for eggs, when your natto is right here. Do you know, unlike eggs that give you cholesterol, _natto_ is good for your heart. Just like meeeeeeeeee..." said Ayame Sarutobi as she jumped out to hug Gintoki. But Gintoki had another idea. He quickly caught her by the hand and threw her up and away like a frisbee.

"Tch...can't a man shop for food in peace around here? Now what should I get next? Hmmm...oh yeah the eggs," said Gintoki out loud. He was walking absentmindedly, trying to think of what else he might have forgotten when he heard a familiar voice behind him. "_Danna_, looks like you're having a feast tonight eh?"

Gintoki turned around and saw the baby-faced _shinsengumi_ looking at him quite puzzled. "I didn't think you're the homemaker type, _danna_. You look like a happy housewife on the way home to cook dinner for her salaryman husband."

"_Teme_, don't get me in a foul mood. Go bother someone else," said Gintoki and continued walking.

"Oh I didn't mean to bother you on your leisurely shopping trip, _danna_," said Sougo. "I'm just patrolling this area, you see."

"_Souka_...why don't you go do some patrolling somewhere else. I'm busy," said Gintoki snobbishly. But Sougo wasn't deterred.

"_Mezurashii na_...everytime I see you here, you just buy _ichigo gyunnyu_. But today, you seemed to have bought so much food. I wonder if you're having a party and didn't invite me, _danna_," said Sougo.

"Who would invite a blood-thirsty brat like you?" said Gintoki. "And besides, I'm not throwing a party. This is just for a job."

"_Ah sou_...didn't know you could also take on a homemaker job," said Sougo wistfully.

"What the hell? Do I look like I would be a successful homemaker to you. Where do you get these crazy ideas from?" said Gintoki.

"Hmm...could it be that you're acting as a surrogate husband for a lonely homemaker then. I think that's much easier. You get a phone call from her saying, "Honey, could you go to the convenience store and get me this and that. We've run out. Be a good husband will you and get them for me when you come home from work. And you would answer: "_Hai, hai._ For you my lovely wife, I'd do anything."

Gintoki looked at him weirdly, didn't say a word and walked away from him. 'He's totally bat-shit crazy.'

"Hey, _danna_, where are you going? Did I hit a nerve? I didn't mean to embarrass you," said Sougo.

"Get away from me, you freak. Like I said, where the hell are you getting these ideas from? It sounds like you're watching too much TV for your own good. Now you better keep away from me. I don't want people to know that I have anything to do with a weird guy like you. So stop following me and go away."

"But I haven't asked you the real question yet," said Sougo still following him. "We found Kondo-san unconscious this morning. It looks like he's been mugged. Do you happen to know about it?"

Gintoki's memory flashbacked to Otae's drunken fist. From the result of that blow, he knew the gorilla won't be able to wake up on his own.

"_Shiranai_. Why would you ask me? I'm not a gorilla keeper. He probably gone stalking last night," he said.

"Really? But there were witnesses that said they saw him running after you last night," said Sougo.

"Oh that. Er, come to think of it I remember that we were both drunk and we decided to have a race. But I ran so fast and never looked back. So yeah, I didn't know where he went," said Gintoki casually.

"Hmmm...you won? The witnesses also said you were carrying a woman on your back," said Sougo.

"Ah that...er...it was supposed to be a piggy back race. But Kondo-san couldn't find a woman who's willing to ride on his back so we just did it that way. It looks like your commander needed more training, I beat him in a race with a woman on my back. Gee, that's not a good image for the _Shinsengumi_ right. You better go back and train your leader. And if he wants a rematch, I'll be more than willing to race against him." He said quickly.

They both walked silently.

"By the way, when we found Kondo-san, he kept mumbling, "Bring back, my Otae-san to me." I was going to ask you if the woman you were carrying on your back was Otae-san?" Sougo asked directly.

Gintoki went red on the face and began sweating bullets. "Why would I do that? Do you think that violent woman would let me carry her on my back? Think about what you're saying will you. _Arienai! Totemo arienai_!"

"Whoa, no need to be so defensive, _danna_. I was just asking a question. And I know you're right. It's impossible. _Nee-san_ won't probably let herself be touched by someone like you," said Sougo.

"_Teme_, don't lump me together with your gorilla-chief! _Tonikaku_, it's getting late. I have to go do my job. Go do your patrolling and leave me alone. _Ja ne_!" Gintoki walked away without looking back at Sougo.

"_Mezurashii._..this is the first time I've seen _danna_ blush. It must be the woman he was with last night." said Sougo as he looked at the retreating Gintoki.

"Damn it. I have to hurry up and get back to the dojo. Somehow, walking around in a public place like this makes me feel vulnerable. Who knows who else I might bump into at this time of the day," he said as he headed towards the _Kudokan dojo_ hurriedly. "Damn it! Is it really that unusual for me to do groceries?"

* * *

Back at the dojo...

"_Tadaima_," said Gintoki as he removed his shoes.

He saw Kagura intently watching TV in the living room. "_Okaeri_," she said without taking her eyes off the TV.

"Oi, Kagura. I told you to watch the boiling pot, didn't I? Why are your eyes glued to the TV?" Gintoki asked accusingly.

"Gin-chan, I wasn't able to boil anything. I forgot my favorite j-dorama is on today and I need to watch it," Kagura said.

"Really? I left you with just one task and you didn't do it. I thought you were going to help me after I bought the ingredients I need," Gintoki said as he took out all the things he bought and spread them on the kitchen counter.

"Gin-chan, you sound like a nagging mother hen," Kagura said.

"Oh really. And I thought you were worried about Otae and wanted to do something to make her feel better." Gintoki sighed. "Here I bought some fruit juice and sliced some banana for her. Why don't you take this to her room? Oi, are you listening?" Gintoki asked.

But his voice fell on deaf ears, Kagura remained unmoving with her eyes focused only on the TV.

"Oh well. I guess I would just have to bring this to Otae-san's room. And maybe by accident, I would do something _ecchi_ to her," said Gintoki loudly for Kagura to hear.

"Oi, oi. Give me that tray. I can take it to her," Kagura was on to him in a flash.

"_Teme_! You really think I'm gonna do something perverted to her do you!" Gintoki shouted.

"Gin-chan, don't shout. You should know better than to talk loudly in a house where there's a person who's not feeling well. Really where are your manners? Were you raised by animals?" Kagura said as she walked off with the tray to bring it in Otae's bedroom.

"_Ah gomen_, I didn't mean to be a bother. But wait a minute! You're the one who forced me to shout in the first place because you weren't listening. Did you hear me?" Gintoki said in angered whisper. But when he saw Kagura didn't turn around, he sighed. "It's hopeless. Tch...I might as well just concentrate on making my Gintoki Special."

Gintoki put on Otae's apron and got busy in the kitchen, chopping vegetables and boiling the miso. "Kagura didn't even cut these vegetables. I swear she'll have no dinner tonight...I ought to..." His ranting was interrupted by the phone ringing.

"Hello. Shimura residence," he said automatically.

"Oho so you've finally decided to join the Shimura household and become a good husband, Gintoki?" said the familiar voice on the other line.

"Huh? What are you talking about, _Baba_?" he shouted, red in the face. "I'm doing a job here. It's just a J-O-B, alright!"

"Oh I see. Is that why you were seen shopping in the marketplace like a devoted housewife earlier. I bet you're wearing an apron and cooking something in the kitchen now eh?" teased Otose.

"Huh? How the hell did you..._Oi Baba_...are you spying on me? Did you have a private investigator or paparazzi follow me around?" Gintoki said, looking suspiciously around his surroundings.

"_Baka!_ You're not THAT important to even have a paparazzi following you around. Anyway, I called because I have a job for you. But as you said, you seemed to be busy with another J-O-B...so..."

"Just tell me what the job is before you go deciding stuffs for me, you old hag," Gintoki annoyingly replied.

"We just need an extra hand over here at the snack bar. I need someone to pick up supplies for a private party tonight. I can't have Tama or Katherine do it because I'm having them do other things. It would just be for an hour or so," said Otose.

"_Ah souka_. I can have Kagura go over there and help you out. She's not doing anything here anyway except being a pain in the ass worry wart. I could send her out," said Gintoki.

"Hmm...I'm not too sure about that. I don't like the idea of leaving Otae-san alone with you over there, especially if that young girl is currently incapacitated. You might take advantage of her," said Otose.

"Argh! Is this treat-Gintoki-as-a-pervert-day? I didn't know I have a reputation for being an _ecchi samurai_? I don't know where this assumption that I'll take advantage of a helpless, drunk girl come from but would you stop it. I'll send Kagura out to you right this minute. Make sure you pay her good, you old hag!" Gintoki said as he irritatedly put down the phone. "You'd think people would have trusted my noble character by now. But no, everyone has to think I'm a freaking pervert. Who the hell is spreading this damn rumor?"

He went to the kitchen in time to turn down the heat of the stove of his boiling miso soup. He did a taste test. Kagura came out of Otae's room.

"Gin-chan, _anego_ ate a little of the banana and drank some more water. She's sleeping again," said Kagura.

"_Ah sou_...that's good to know." Gintoki was a little relieved.

"Uwah, why did you turn off the TV, I was watching my favorite show," Kagura cried out.

"Oi Kagura. You need to go to Otose-san's Snack Bar for a job," he said nonchalantly. "Since you are not helping me with the cooking of my Gintoki Special and just want to watch TV all day, you get to take this job."

"What? I can't leave _anego_. Shinpachi said I should be here and help take care of her," Kagura protested. "Besides I don't think it's a good idea that you're here alone with her..." she trailed off.

"_Teme_, am I that low in your noble character list? Do you really believe I'll do something perverted to Otae-san, especially when she's not herself. Answer me..."

"_Datte_...Shinpachi said he saw you and _anego_ sharing the same bed. People only do that when they're married or dating right? But _anego_ and you are not a couple so there's only one thing that could explain it - you were taking advantage of her when she was unconscious, yes?" said Kagura.

"What? First of all, Shinpachi got it all wrong. That was an honest mistake. I drank too much _sake_ and didn't know I fell asleep in her room," Gintoki explained. "As for being married or dating, where did you get all these ideas from?"

"I got it from a _shoujo manga_ I found in the trash last week. It was a pretty good story but it became yucky when people started kissing...Bleah...so I threw it away," said Kagura. "I hope you didn't do anything like that to _anego_."

Gintoki sputtered on the soup he was tasting. He seemed to recall that he and Otae did just that last night. More like it was Otae who did it unknowingly while he, well, he simply let things happen. Subconsciously.

"Er...yeah...well...Anyway, don't try to change the subject. You need to go to the snack bar," said Gintoki unfeelingly. "You're not much help here. So doing that one hour job over there would earn us some money. Now get going."

"But...but I can't," Kagura protested again but Gintoki cut her short, "No buts. Just go or there'll be no dinner for you."

"But I promise Shinpachi I would look after_ anego_," said Kagura, almost teary-eyed. "I can't leave _anego_. I should be taking care of her, too."

Gintoki sighed. He really is a sucker for little girls and their tears. "_Wakatta_...how about this, you let Sadaharu take your place for just an hour or two while you do that job. He'll be Otae-san's guard dog. You could tell him to bite my head off if I do anything bad to her. Will that put your mind at ease?"

Kagura looked doubtful. She called Sadaharu to her side. "Sadaharu, guard _anego_ for me okay? Don't let Gin-chan take advantage of her while I'm gone."

"_Wan, wan_," agreed Sadaharu, wagging his tail. He wouldn't pass up an opportunity to bite Gintoki's head off.

"Alright, I guess I can go," said Kagura gloomily.

"_Iterasshai_," said Gintoki. "Stay focused on the job and get paid. Don't let that old hag be stingy with the pay alright!"

Having sent Kagura off, he went back to the kitchen, "Whew, it took a while to convince that silly brat to go. When Shinpachi comes back, I'll give him a good scolding just for brainwashing Kagura like that. Really, kids these days can't get their minds off the gutter."

As he busied himself with the making of his special meal, there was a knock on the door.

"Oi Kagura, don't tell me you've changed your mind. This job is non-negotiable. You either go or go..." he irritatedly opened the door.

But instead, he found himself looking at the head of the celebrated Yagyu-clan, Kyubei, and her trusted aide, Tojo.

"Ah, if it isn't Kyu-chan...er...I mean Kyubei-san. _Doomo_," said a startled Gintoki.

"Sakata-san, why are you here?" asked Kyubei, her voice subtly on edge. She was a bit shocked to see Gintoki in Otae's home, wearing her pink apron at that.

"Ah Sakata-dono, why are you in young master's very close friend's house and wearing her apron like you are someone very close to her family?" asked Tojo, voicing out what was on Kyubei's mind. "_Massaka_...you've married into the Shimura household?"

"Oi, oi, don't get the wrong idea, _baka_! I'm just here to do a job," said Gintoki, fearful that the quick-draw, sword wielding Kyubei would cut off his head if he didn't clarify things quickly. He saw Kyubei's eyebrows twitched a little and that wasn't a good thing. "Now don't be spreading rumors around, Tojo-san. I've been dealing with one misunderstanding after another, so I don't want another thing adding to the fire. Anyway, come on in. I have something cooking in the kitchen and I don't want to burn it."

In the living room, Kyubei sat apprehensively as Gintoki served them tea in the Shimura living room. She was beginning to feel jealous over the fact that Gintoki got to wear Otae's apron and cook in her kitchen. She tried not to glare at him too much.

"If you're looking for Otae-san, she's not feeling well," Gintoki said as casually as possible so as not to alarm Otae's overprotective friend. Although, he didn't want to give out too much details about why she wasn't feeling well. 'I better leave out that Otae is actually having a severe hangover right now,' he thought. 'When it comes to Otae, Kyubei might go over board and I'm not in the mood to be dealing with that right now.'

"She's not feeling well!" Kyubei shouted, obviously worried about Otae. "What happened to her? Tojo, fetch our family doctor quick!"

'Yes, young master," said Tojo who stood up immediately but fell flat on his face. Gintoki just tripped him.

"_Maa...maa_...it's just a simple stomachache," reassured Gintoki. "There's nothing to worry about. She just needs to take it easy today. She'll be as good as new tomorrow."

"But what happened to her?" asked Kyubei still worried and unconvinced.

"It's probably something she ate at the Snack _Sumairu_. You know, the food there can get a bit unhealthy for a young woman. But don't worry I'm...er...I mean, me and Kagura-chan is taking good care of her," said Gintoki.

"_Ah sou_...I would think Shinpachi would be here to take care of his own sister," remarked Kyubei, her deep suspicion on overdrive.

"Well, Otae-san convinced him to go to Otsu's concert. He really didn't want to go but Otae wanted him to, so he asked me...er...us, me, Kagura and Sadaharu, to look after her in his place. So, you see, that's why I said this is a job." explained Gintoki.

"Kagura-chan? I don't see Kagura-chan here. You're the only one...Omf," Gintoki just gave Tojo a whack on the back of the head. "Kagura-chan was here earlier but I sent her to Otose-san's Snack Bar to help them. She'll be back real soon.

"So basically, you're here alone with Otae-san?" said Kyubei suspiciously.

'Shit. Looks like Kyubei wants to stay here and take care of Otae, too.' Gintoki said to himself. He slowly nodded his head.

"If that's the case, I should stay here and guard Otae," said Kyubei.

"What? What do you mean guard Otae? For goodness' sake, she just have a stomachache. It's not like she's in a witness protection program!" Gintoki protested. "Seriously, why would you need to guard her?"

"Sakata-san, you may have the noblest of intentions, but I just can't leave her alone with you in this house," said Kyubei. "I don't think she would be safe with you."

"Don't tell me, you, too, think I'm some kind of pervert samurai!" said Gintoki clearly exasperated. "Man, when will this nightmare end? Am I such an untrustworthy character?"

"Sakata-dono, at your age you should know by now that a man and a woman alone under the same roof can't resist temptation. Especially in a situation like this where one person is helpless. Can't you see the many awkward situations you'll have with Otae-dono?" said Tojo.

"What? Seriously, that's just you're imagination. You really don't make sense at all! Besides, I'm not alone with her. Kagura-chan and her monster dog are here with me. Sure, Kagura is out for a little while but she had her unmerciful mutt keep an eye on me! So what awkward situations could happen? Really, you people are imagining things." Gintoki said.

"Be that as it may. I shall stay here until Otae-san gets better," said Kyubei with finality.

"_Waka_, you can't do that? We have a very important meeting with the Shogun's generals. You have to be there as the Yagyu clan's representative. It would bring the clan's name to shame if you don't show up." said Tojo.

"Tojo, just go in my stead," ordered Kyubei. "I'll be spending my day here to watch over Otae-san."

"But young master. Your father would greatly disapprove. Please, you have to attend this very important meeting," pleaded Tojo. He whispered to Gintoki, "You better help me convince _waka_ to not stay here quick or else, you'll have to deal with this situation by yourself."

"_Teme!_ Don't go ordering me around. Who's frickin' idea is it to come over here unannounced. I thought blue bloods have the courtesy to call beforehand and tell the owner of the house that they're coming for a visit. This way, they won't be an inconvenience," Gintoki whispered back to him.

"Sakata-dono, don't fret over the lack of good manners now, we need to convince _waka_ to not stay here and attend that meeting," whispered Tojo.

Gintoki scratched the back of his head, things were escalating quickly so he had to think of a way to stop it from getting worse. "Well, Kyubei-san, Otae-san wouldn't want you to miss that very important meeting. You of all people should know how she values duty and family. Do you think she would want you to neglect the same responsibilities for her sake?"

Kyubei's determined face softened at the thought of Otae-san's disapproval. "It's true. She would be the first one to scold me for not fulfilling my duty as the Yagyu clan's heir. It would definitely make her unhappy if I put the family's name to shame by not attending that very important meeting. Yes, that's the kind of person she is."

Both Gintoki and Tojo heaved a secret sigh of relief. It looked like Kyubei had made a decision not to stay. "But I'm still uncomfortable at having Sakata-san here alone with Otae-san. I think I'll have Tojo get _Jugem-Jugem Poop-Throwing Machine Shin-chan's Day Before Yesterday Underwear Shinpachi's Life Balmunk Fezarion Isaac Schneider One Thirds Pure Feeling Two Thirds Worried-Over-a-Hangnail Feeling Though Betrayal Knows My Name I Know The Unknown, The Cuttlefish Tastes Kind Of Different Than It Did Last Time Because It Was Caught Near The Pond And Served With Oil From A Hoofed Mammal, pepepepepepepepepepepep Bichiguso-maru, _so he could stay here and watch over Otae-san for me."

Both Gintoki and Tojo's jaws dropped to the floor. Another potential troublesome development was starting to unfold. 'Shit, not that poop-throwing monkey. Anything but that,' thought Gintoki.

"Ah, Kyubei-san, I don't think that's a very good idea. You know that Jugem-jugem poop-throwing-machine-whatever-long-list-of-names-he-has-maru throws poop at me everywhere I go, right? The moment he sees me, he'll attack me with poop!"

"Exactly. This will stop you from doing anything perverted to Otae-san while she's recuperating," said Kyubei with a smug smile on her face.

"Oh would you stop assuming I'll do something perverted when I haven't done anything to her at all! Sheesh, I'm not a _hentai_!" said Gintoki, red-faced.

"Sakata-dono, you're saying that now but things still remain to be seen," said Tojo with an air of superiority. Gintoki kicked him in the face. "If you've got nothing useful to add to the conversation, just shut up!"

"Kyubei-san, please don't bring your monkey here. I've got enough on my hands with this huge monster dog around. Besides, Sadaharu is a good guard dog. Look, let me show you...if I ever try to come close to Otae-san's bedroom door...ARGH!" Sadaharu lunged at him, his mouth on Gintoki's head. After a few seconds, blood started trickling down Gntoki's forehead. "See, what I mean."

"Even so, _Jugem-Jugem Poop-Throwing Machine Shin-chan's Day Before Yesterday Underwear Shinpachi's Life Balmunk Fezarion Isaac Schneider One Thirds Pure Feeling Two Thirds Worried-Over-a-Hangnail Feeling Though Betrayal Knows My Name I Know The Unknown, The Cuttlefish Tastes Kind Of Different Than It Did Last Time Because It Was Caught Near The Pond And Served With Oil From A Hoofed Mammal, pepepepepepepepepepepep Bichiguso-maru_ would also do a good job. They could both team-up and guard Otae-san effectively," said Kyubei stubbornly.

As he wiped the blood off his forehead, Gintoki felt the inevitability of having a poop-throwing monkey keep him company. He had to do something drastic. "Kyubei-san, look if you leave Jugem-jugem-what's-his-face-maru here with me, do you know what will happen? He'll throw poop all over Otae-san's house, heck all over the dojo! And you know Otae-san works so very hard to meticulously keep this place clean and spotless. Now you don't want her to wake up after her recovery and see the dojo messed up and smelling like poop, do you? I mean, that would bring her more stress and probably make her more sick because of the bacteria in those poop. Then she'll have to be in the hospital for it. Do you really want that to happen to your precious friend?" said Gintoki trying to be overly dramatic to get his point across with emotional force. He desperately needed Kyubei to abandon her idea of leaving the monkey with him. He just had to.

Kyubei was in deep thought. Her brows were furrowed and her one eye was closed. Her arms folded across her chest. She remained like this for a couple of minutes while Tojo and Gintoki held their breaths. She heaved a sigh in resignation. "I guess, you are right, Sakata-san. I can't have _Jugem-Jugem Poop-Throwing Machine Shin-chan's Day Before Yesterday Underwear Shinpachi's Life Balmunk Fezarion Isaac Schneider One Thirds Pure Feeling Two Thirds Worried-Over-a-Hangnail Feeling Though Betrayal Knows My Name I Know The Unknown, The Cuttlefish Tastes Kind Of Different Than It Did Last Time Because It Was Caught Near The Pond And Served With Oil From A Hoofed Mammal, pepepepepepepepepepepep Bichiguso-maru_ dirty up Otae-san's house with poop that may lead to her illness getting worse. I simply can't let that happen. She is precious to me and I don't want to cause her such a burden. So I won't leave him here," Kyubei said.

Gintoki almost pump the air with his fist in triumph but stopped himself from doing it. "You are doing the right thing for Otae-san," he said rather calmly. He elbowed Tojo to let him follow suit. "Er...yes, _waka_ you are such an understanding and generous friend, you will never do anything that will cause Otae-dono an inconvenience. She will be ever so grateful that you've chosen to consider her feelings and fulfill your family duty. You are, indeed, wonderful, _waka_..." said Tojo. "You are..." Gintoki had to whack him on the head to stop him. "Enough of the buttering up. You might overdo it, _baka_," Gintoki whispered.

"Anyway, _waka_, it's about time we take our leave. The very important meeting will start soon and we don't want to be late," said the recovered Tojo.

"Well then, Sakata-san, I'll leave Otae-san to you. Thank you for doing this job," said Kyubei rather formally as she bowed low. "Please take good care of her."

"Hey, Kyubei-san, you don't have to do that. She's...she's my friend, too. And she's Shinpachi's precious sister, so I'm happy to help take care of her," said Gintoki, quite embarrassed. "Besides, it's not really quite normal around here without her fussing about, getting into other people's business and all that..."

"Hmmm...it sounds like you miss her, Sakata-dono," said Tojo innocently.

"Huh? What! That's not what I meant. I was just saying she ought to hurry up and recover. I can't take both Kagura and Shinpachi's worrying anymore," he replied quickly.

"_Ah sou_," said Kyubei with a small knowing smile on her face. She walked towards the door but before she stepped out, she looked back at Gintoki with her one eye glinting with seriousness. "Sakata-san, if you do anything disrespectful and perverted to Otae-san, I will KILL you!"

"_Ha...hai_," gulped Gintoki. It was the only thing he managed to say as Kyubei and Tojo walked out the door. He never thought he'd suffer like this for a simple job.

_To be continued..._


End file.
